a chapped abyss of innocent words

X

2012-02-13T20:03:00.003-05:00

these places are mirrors,
the same but different.
separated by an invisible reflective shield.
perhaps they're isomers
or anomers.
both rural highways;
concrete rivers in the middle
of a vast forest.
except one's surrounded by plains,
the other by mountains.
all i see is flat marsh and river,
all he sees is snowy inclining slopes
and tree barriers.

it makes me fucking sick.

- -

2012-02-13T19:57:00.001-05:00

i guess i'm like a tree
my leaves falling off for winter.
like mica, pieces slowly breaking off
at the tip of a finger print.
or like many-layered baked brie
brittle, crumbling-

i can feel essence of essentials
being sliced off
piece by piece
fluttering to the floor in a flakey fashion.
like old skin cells and just as dead

dissolve me with a drop of spit.

the party (the first poem that isn't about you)

2012-01-12T02:38:00.003-05:00

bourbon bumble bees.
locust congregation in the cold,
underwater kitchen.
so dense it is opaque.

Red hangs dead on her feet,
rag doll on a stiff pole-
pierced right through.

a Clown tips on a broken axis;
equilibrium absent.
louder than the loudest siren,
more extroverted than
saturn's outermost ring.
more extroverted than
the external stratum corneum.

Dreadlocked, professional drinker;
self-talker, performer.
i don't know if i've ever seen him
sans drink in hand.

THAT KID who's falling apart.
brain so altered (but temporary,
TEMPORARY!)
and completely uncontrolled.
cognition: unreachable.
definitely shattered.

plutoid

2012-01-10T01:19:00.002-05:00

it's a secret that
i desperately wish you'd ask
me to spend this day with you.
it's a secret even to myself
but i hope, somehow,
you hear it.

yet i must remember
that you are nothing more
than a pretty face.

next,

symbolism: my ipod sitting
on my bed all day.
it means i never stepped a foot out the door
from 12am to 12am.

and i still can't sleep properly.

magnetism

2012-01-03T02:22:00.003-05:00

i think
every one of our particles
and even the particles that make up our particles
each have a magnetic charge.
and in a collective majority
(for some of our particles do not match),
our forces, opposite but strong,
attract each other fiercely
in an eternal bind;
forces too strong to pull apart.

magnetism must explain this lack of self control.

down down down

2011-12-13T23:11:00.005-05:00

nathan adler
and past masters.

backseat headrests
illuminated by
back-light headlamps and
front bumper headlights.

silhouettes or shadow puppets;
their canvas is my retinas
the light pathway for lost drivers.

they look like two people whispering
or sharing an intimate moment.
close talkers of close words
and merging hearts.

every pure and uncovered body is yours.
a flash of thigh
the speckled covering of velvet hairs,
the observed edge of a forearm
but especially a hand,
but, oh, i know yours well.
no imposter could fool me,
but make a fool of me?

inevitable.

how we die

2011-12-08T19:58:00.002-05:00

every night
out in that
great openness, but suffocating encompassing atmosphere
pieces of your essence break off
and trail up into the universe.
they stay connected to you
emotionally, spiritually,
but you never seen them again.
and slowly,
your being deteriorates
bit by bit
and drifts apart
into the vast world.

lately

2011-12-06T00:18:00.003-05:00

i wish i could say
that i'd give anything to be with you
that in mindbodyspirit i miss you terribly,
but that would be lying.

truthful speak:
acidic tongue and venomous words;
i hate your fucking guts.

i guess it's good that we are all
one.
that i was misborn
into the wrong species, the wrong planet
the wrong configuration,
entire.

instead i should be native
or perhaps
animal or botanical in nature.
but i think, under terms of perfection
i should exist as a son of the universe,
a galaxy or star or distant nebula.
one singular breath of the
exponentially growing cosmos.
a being so large-
an overseer-
that my only function is
love.

reach

2011-11-27T14:02:00.002-05:00

it only hurts when i dream about you
because
you were just right there!
and i wake
in the wake
of imaginary you.
and your body
once so tangible
dissipates into hypnagogia.

2011-11-27T01:18:00.002-05:00

but i miss you so fucking much

i just want to feel your skin against my skin

2011-11-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

somehow i feel
content enough
just to be in love with you

isms

2011-11-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

is it cynicism
or realism
as every color of the spectrum
enters your eye like a prism
and reveals
physical truths:
nature and science.
and even cosmic figures
and feelings you can't see
but you know exist;
like love.
you can't
touchtastesmellsee love
but you can close your eyes
you can block the spectrum
and love comes alive
inside of you.
it takes a form, a name
it even takes
control of you.
it acts through you
while you feed off of its
warmth and optimism.

rejoice

2011-11-16T21:00:00.002-05:00

can you imagine it?
it's beautiful.

you sear your flesh with artistic passion
and birth hardened,
but reborn,
epithelium-
a scar.
the nerves die with the embrace of heat
but regrow,
tree-like,
through thickened fibers like forest undergrowth.

macroscopically,
the out-branches of
little tactile cells
would stretch in stop motion,
crawl like alien limbs
reaching toward the surface.

can you imagine?

late night campus

2011-11-16T20:57:00.003-05:00

the air has a chill
but it's not penetrating-
it's comforting;
habituation.
i can feel numerous bodies
congregating all around me.
sight, unimportant.
sound, unimportant.
though equally stimulating,
for it holds a physical and
almost gustatory quality.
the night lights mix
blue and yellow
tungsten and fluorescents
5600k absent
red, yellow and blue
no longer converging.

the bodies around me close in,
attack.
a welcoming ritual of enemies.
assaulted, and laying in dirt;
it feels right.

"insides showing on the outside"

and the night is now still.

dark blue

2011-11-14T18:20:00.003-05:00

THE EVENING SKY IS MY MIRROR!

there are things i like about the day
and there are things i like about the night:
like the bright street lights and headlights
surrounded by the encompassing breath of
aging twilight.
like when you can see
a lit up flag waving in the wind,
but not the wind
and not the leaves
that represent and track its
bodiless course.

i like the warmth of the sun
and the embrace of the wind
and its voice as it ruffles the trees.
its illumination of objects
and its schizophrenic qualities;
the endless beauty of the electromagnetic spectrum
in all its visibility.

there are things i like about the day
and there are things i like about the night,
but the evening sky reflects my mind
and so evening
is my
equal.

fall

2011-11-14T18:18:00.003-05:00

dry tobacco smoke yields throat irritating smoke.
the sky is falling from blue
to grey
to black.
with the leaves shedding their summer facades,
the trees themselves appear
to shrink,
cower with embarrassment in nakedness,
falter in confidence from ugliness.
the treeline falls and reveals more sky
but the sky grows dim
under constant cloud cover.

chemistry

2011-11-14T18:16:00.003-05:00

some people swagger:
conducting and dominating the air.
others float and move
in tandem.
while, like me, the rest move
as if to stay out of the way
of the oxygen (O2) and atmosphere (O3),
tiptoeing through the haze
manipulating the body in such a way
as to fit through the nothingness.

detaching

2011-11-13T19:12:00.002-05:00

my body crashes silently in the midnight car,
exposed,
and organized in a vulnerable way:
arms splayed and knees touching.
the sound of my body breaking
screams your name.
it radiates desperation, greed and sorrow.
the atmosphere in the car is hyper-real.
i feel more alive than i do
at any given waking moment.
i feel connected to the universe,
yet detached from social interaction
and what it means to be human:
probably because i no longer am.
i have ripped apart my pre-frontal cortex
and thrown it away,
allowing the lower brain regions
to take control.
my heart says no.

we need to be in each others lives,
we just haven't figured out how to do that yet.

but it's my broken body's only concern.

dissatisfied

2011-11-08T22:56:00.003-05:00

i swear i tasted your breath on my lips
tonight
and i felt my tongue searching
the pathway of my palate
for yours.
but tongue and lip were
entirely absent.
i miss their softness;
incredibly velvet.
if i could have you here
on will alone
you know i would use every atom
to get you next to me.

2011-11-01T19:44:00.002-04:00

we are MEANT to EXIST lip to lip
and i'm sorry you can't see that

2011-10-29T17:50:00.001-04:00

i smoke my pipe
and stare out at the snow
falling.
i realize
we can't be together
when the snow hits the ground.

pretendpretendpretend (it feels good)

2011-10-27T23:48:00.003-04:00

i zombie walk the dark hall
in my sleeping house,
arms spread out bracing for the hit
but instead my fingers gently brush the doorknob.
your words slice through me;
multiple layers both
fabricated and real.
maybe if i chant a phrase enough,
i will believe it.

there was always a misunderstanding
and still, you don't know me.
you cannot empathize.
you jab at me with a venomized tongue
but i know you are just hurt.
and i am here to tell you: it's ok.

you can't hear me

but it's ok.

and maybe
you just never cared anyway.

today

2011-10-20T19:25:00.002-04:00

It was a wet fall.

The pavement was damp, but not slick, and lay indifferent to the warm-tone leaves littering its surface. The air hugged every cubic centimeter of skin with its cool-but-not-yet-cold embrace. It was a comforting feeling.
He was on his way home, window cracked with dry fingers caressing the air currents with their callouses and white valleys. He had the radio playing but it was too silent and the road noises were too loud.

His motions were automatic, this route engraved into the neurons of his muscle memory. He scratched his unshaven face absentmindedly as he passed by his daughter's school.

It had been a tough day.

This man worked for a multinational conglomerate corporation in one of the subsidiary companies in a unimportant department on an unimportant floor. He made good money. He had a wife and a daughter. And like most Americans, he was unhappy.
Every day, every morning until every evening, he sent emails, had department meetings, graphed data and talked on the phone. He daydreamed often across his shift. His mind wandered into the darkest, most deviant places. Thoughts far too shameful even to be told to his life partner; his wife. They twisted and morphed from one topic to another, slithered in his mind like a sexy woman, beckoned him with the promise of addiction. And every time he agreed to let his mind wander. Every single time.

To coworkers, he was cold and distant; unfriendly and antisocial. His interactions existed only for business, never leisure, because he was never "there" to take part in such activities.

More often than not, while lying in bed with his wife at night, he felt guilty. He felt like he was betraying a pure soul by having such dark thoughts. This wonderful woman in his bed had not a clue of his true nature. But the more he thought, the more he desired. And he would never let go of these thoughts while still living such a shitty life.

He downshifted to take a turn, blinker flashing faithfully.
A fucking cop, he thought, spotting the blue-topped black and white trap. He resented cops. In the town he grew up in, there were no friendly cops. None of them smiled or protected the citizens. There was always an air of mistrust and fear in his small community, and it followed him into adulthood.

The cop was stationed at the country store, the unofficial hive for the police department worker bees. He made sure to drive extra carefully as to not give the uniformed scavenger a reason to pull him over. After he was sure he was in the clear, he let his mind begin to wander again.

The reason work had been so tough was due to peaceful protests opposing poorly distributed wealth that were occurring across the nation. As well-off as he was, human rights were his top priority and he fully supported the protests. However, many of his coworkers who were conservative did not. During an interdepartmental meeting, the topic was offhandedly brought up, and the consensus seemed to be that the protesters were lazy, dirty welfare cases looking for an easy way out. As reserved as he was, he felt that he was required to speak up.

"These protesters are hardworking citizens," he said, "who are finally speaking up against the financial inequality that has been growing in America, and they are doing it without violence. I admire and fully support them."

But of course, his words were felt like acid by his cohorts, and it didn't help that he was already seen as an antisocial creep. The backlash was incredible. Almost every soul in the room spit venom in his face. What about our hard work! They screamed. These protesters are trouble-making parasites! They screeched. My brother is a respectable police officer who is threatened daily! They squelched and cried and squawked. Suddenly his coworkers were growing in size, morphing into monstrous creatures that were fueled by anger and rage. You can't win against these beasts, the voice in his head whispered. So he folded.

He was yanked out of his nightmarish reflection by a vehicle that was speeding toward him on the other side of the road. He flashed his high beams on and off, not wishing the wrath of a sickeningly pleased police officer on anyone.

The sun was beginning to set.

He arrived home just as the sun dropped below the horizon, desaturating the atmosphere but casting a pink glow above the trees. He sat in his car for some time, just breathing. Every breath raised his chest, straining the buttons of his shirt. His long lashes sweeped his cheeks with each blink. He entered his home with a soft sigh.

The phone rang.

"Is this the Stanfield residence?" Said an authoritative voice.
"Yes, may I ask who is calling?" The man replied.
"Sir, I regret to be the one to inform you that your daughter was hit by a speeding car in front of Grove Elementary School this evening. She didn't survive."

2011-09-18T21:43:00.002-04:00

there are times in which i just want to disappear
and forget about you.
start a different life,
move on and
forget your touch,
your breath, your fuck.
forget the beautiful shape of your hands
and how your fingerprints feel on my
sympathetic nervous system-reactive skin.
forget the way your laughs leave your lips
and everything else that has left them in the past.

but the feeling of being without you
is one i will never forget.
and the thought of being without you
is one that tears me to shreds.

2011-09-04T01:03:00.000-04:00

wont turn off my brain
wont shut my eyes
wont rest.
though i haven't much as of late.

i keep seeing the same face everywhere
similar features, it's like i am haunted.
a mouth that droops open
eyes that cinch.

where is my lion-eyed beauty?
slipping away, water on saran wrap
at least it feels.

2011-08-22T03:08:00.001-04:00

i exist only in bad thoughts and memories

post title here...

2011-08-21T22:13:00.001-04:00

my room is filled with smoke
and heavy perfume
from waterlogged oil
that fills the room.
i am choking on its essence
but it smells divine
and is clouding my head.
i drove 85 miles to this wretched town
and stayed far too long.
in the end it didn't even feel like
the same state.
i returned not in the same body
but now i only have 6 pounds to lose.
not like i'm trying.
i've had the feeling
of doing something
drastic,
destructive
of course to my own body.
but i can't stand to hurt
the one i know who loves me
even though my head wont receive that signal.

hunger

2011-06-23T23:27:00.002-04:00

jellyfish aneurysm plug:
a barrier to opening up,
a stopper holding in nectrotizing thoughts.
to banish it: i consume it with my third eye
and it expels the demon invertebrate scyphozoa,
the tentacles tickling on their way
out.

l u h v

2011-05-12T14:13:00.000-04:00

all this time i thought i was mistaken
but it turns out i was right along

and that cracks open my stone heart
with an overflow of joy
and the substance spilling over
shakes hands with the universe
in a binding agreement.

strings and piano

2011-05-08T01:46:00.002-04:00

it's easy to see beauty in other people
upon first glance.
as a constant observer;
always calculating a million times a second
the visual input of another person's face,
i drink in the sights.
but, no matter how much appreciation i have
for strangers or acquaintances, or even friends,
my love for you always shines through.
i can look at someone beautiful
and only feel you.

it makes me happy
that you make me feel differently
than anyone else can.

aaa.

2011-05-05T21:29:00.003-04:00

for the first time in my life
i don't want to be alone.

but i think i'm just trying to find someone
who wont let me down.
but i can't help but realize
i'm searching all the wrong places.

2011-04-28T10:21:00.001-04:00

the warmer the weather gets
the colder i feel

2011-04-23T01:34:00.001-04:00

i look at my phone with compassion
when really,
i should be looking to the south

end this

2011-04-14T22:43:00.001-04:00

standing, facing each other;
we resemble parenthesis.

slowly, lovingly
we tear off pieces of each others flesh.

in agony and eventually
there will be nothing left

2011-04-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

thanks for dripping lemon juice into my eyes
from your smoke-dried tongue.
thanks for rubbing salt into my wounds
with your nicotine-soaked fingers.

i like the way it hurts.

the only thing that keeps me going
is the hope that, one day,
you can't touch me anymore.

2011-04-13T23:30:00.002-04:00

are we worth it?
i beg your answer

fuck beautifully crafted words in rhythm

2011-04-13T22:42:00.001-04:00

we can't be friends
because we can't be lovers.

and we can't be lovers
because--
too many fucking reasons to put into
pretty lines of poetry.

stinging, aching

2011-04-11T22:13:00.002-04:00

this night is perfect
on the outside.

but miles apart,
we could be 4 state-lines away
and still shooting BBs at each other's
soft, sensitive patches of skin.

still hurting each other,
regardless of time

still inflicting pain,
our lives decidedly separated.

i was truly born to be alone.

i hate rhyming poems but

2011-04-08T14:51:00.002-04:00

i just need you to hold me for a min
and let me touch your skin.
press my face into where your neck meets your collarbone,
inhale deep-- it makes me feel at home.

and maybe,
just maybe,
if you would permit
our lips to meet, just a bit?

dear love,

2011-04-07T00:14:00.002-04:00

rainbow twine connects us
to the collective body of the universe.
ours are knotted and tangled.
even for a man with nimble fingers
and magnified eyes
would they be impossible to untie.
when we touch,
the knots get tighter,
more fine threads become entwined,
two single threads become one.
when we kiss,
like a harp,
long fingernails sweep the multi-colored strings
and a noise
soft,
beautiful enough to make gods weep
and human hearts across the earth to break
in a moment of unity.
a sound so divine and transcendental to this world
you must strain your ears to hear.
so the next time our young, fated lips meet
hold your breath in silence
and listen to the music.

adore mais ne pas desire

2011-04-02T21:26:00.002-04:00

you're always lost
upon first glance of something you've
never seen before.
but your eyes will always adjust.
i'm still partially blind, but i can see by touch.
i feel my way around the maze of weeds and vines
and i acquire spatial perception.
i still need the light to open my eyes,
but my gray matter has already made a decision.
we're just waiting on cardio's O.K.

2011-03-30T22:46:00.003-04:00

and i kissed him
the sweetest i ever kissed him;
i could taste the sugar on my lips
against the brick and underneath the night lights

screwed

2011-03-28T16:24:00.002-04:00

this burning is innate.
it's in my blood stream,
can never be flushed from my system.
my body is a temple;
you are the faith supporting it.

people question where the honey bees disappeared to.
truth is, they migrated to the inside of my skull,
munching on meninges,
buzzing incessantly,
filling the sinuses and ventricles with black and yellow fur
and tiny, translucent wings.

i've become a time traveler,
ripping a hole in the very fabric of the time-space continuum.
i fell asleep and opened my eyes in the middle of the universe.
i would gasp at the sight of a million sparkling stars and celestial bodies,
but i can't breathe and my body's frozen.
all i see before me are roads i've already walked down,
flashing across my field of vision,
hyper-real with vivid colors; rich as whole cream.
i taste them.
but the moment my mouth floods with saliva
the visions cease
and stuck in space,
i realize

this is eternity and i am lost.

2011-03-27T20:06:00.001-04:00

Neither time nor distance can sever the human connection.

2011-03-26T01:20:00.000-04:00

SH

mmmmm

high

2011-03-25T19:58:00.002-04:00

the wheel spins and hits the flint
it sparks in his voice;
a sharp inhale:
you know, the way virgin breath
from swollen lungs
mimics the voice of its issuer...

2011-03-16T22:46:00.002-04:00

i want our bodies to connect where life first began
i want to embrace you in-between sodium waves
i want sea weed to entangle our entangled legs

i want you

equivocate

2011-03-16T20:15:00.003-04:00

trying to equate his eyes:
all that slips over the tip of my tongue,
chemically burned on the journey past my lips
due to bitterness,
is the horribly dull, "jade."
such a beautiful stone can't even come close.
analogous to breathtaking,
homologous to iris,
the history of the world
can be learned just by looking at
the invention of the wheel;
cracked in spots, ancient
but radiating warm light.
in just one glance,
i can look down and see the origin of life,
i see the salty seas where organic molecules arose.
i see midnight dust brooms careening across borders,
columnar keratin waving like tall grass in the wind.
i see velvet charcoal
bowing to ponds over populated with protists, bacteria.
i see delicious sea weed
with 40 tiny arms fighting for a bite.

i see beauty.

torture

2011-02-24T17:06:00.004-05:00

brazen bull locked inside a marrow jail.
calcium bars mock its huffing and bellowing.
passion fuels the blazing hot metal,
but his presence throw cold water on its
clanging beats.
it ticks with each loss of degree.
i feel the bull steam and cool
and it hurts, but in the most comforting way.

university

2011-02-13T02:39:00.003-05:00

i feel so opportunistic
yet covered in led
heavy eyelashes weighing down lids

i own an xy chromosome shield
but i'm too weak to put it up.
the FDA put a warning label on my nape
it reads:
caution: rock slide
standing near can result in crushing, serious injury or death.
but my hair makes it hard to see.

i gave out valentines and they all said
fuck off:
if you smile when you think of me you're already dead.

it's hard existing when everything is so worthwhile and satisfying
but completely earth shattering and heartbreaking in the same moment.

a woman lives inside my heart
she lives caged in, but claws at the bars.
sometimes she escapes and wreaks havoc on my insides
i named her "Evil".
she frightens me into submission
and tells me awful things.
she's constantly in heat and easily reproduces
but i have Evil antibodies.
they are often sad and absent,
lethargic and sick,
but after systematic outbreaks, they put her in her place.

only, she's always there,
can only be stopped for a moment.
her madness eats away at her skin
and everyday is a mad struggle to escape her painful confines.
i can hear her enraged screams from time to time
her only target is me.
she is me.
i scream hate at myself from an outer bodied, yet inner bodied place:
i have split in two.
i sink inside myself like hot quicksand
i become her and feel the rage, it feels like arousal
but i feel my outer, physical body cower in pain.

i hear her voice, i hear her voice, i hear her voice.

2011-02-07T17:29:00.001-05:00

head exploding
the world is crashing down on me

mange de la caféine un fois
mange de la caféine deux fois
mange de la caféine trois fois

am i awake yet?

2011-02-03T12:54:00.001-05:00

dear cute boy who works the information desk,
would you permit me to get to know you?

dear cute boy who i left behind,
i'm so glad to hear from you.

retourner

2011-01-29T01:59:00.004-05:00

the library is a fortress;
impenetrable castle.
one grand entrance
but no other way in.
it stands tall and looming
but it can't protect me.

out of all people
my skin's cooked to a crisp.
crunchy like an exoskeleton,
betraying the contents of the package.
but i'm aware everyone knows this.
they cradle my hypocrisy so divinely
so sweetly and without blame
that i would deteriorate
like frail paper in a flurry of winds without them.

the insatiable need for companionship.
survivalist instincts spit acid on solitude.
undeniable, fear-based
but an indecisive teeter-totter:
fulcrum balanced, bar misshapen;
constantly changing.

one day it's:
bodies on top of bodies,
brain stem desires,
the shivers that don't disappear.
the next day:
putrid disgust gasps at underlying shame,
reality takes a shit in the middle of desire's forehead,
desire retaliates, shoots flares into the burning horizon
sparks fly into the star-strewn sky

and the process repeats.

similarly,
eternal love and other illusions
fight head on with the used and broken iron cage
that festers inside of my chest cavity;
it's atrophying.
it's desire vs. reality
but in a more conceptual, cognitive, other-worldly phenomenon.

it's still opposites fighting for dominance.
one dominant and one submissive.
they switch constantly and whisper in the ears of my future lovers
lips full and soft with saliva
they part and pucker and waver and stretch
they quiver,
and caress the auricle with warm breath
they say:

"read between the lines"

2011-01-16T03:31:00.001-05:00

hey,

I FUCKING HATE YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE.

me.

s t u c k

2011-01-16T03:29:00.001-05:00

it was just an extended hook up

it's easy

2011-01-07T03:43:00.002-05:00

step one: become a real person

step two: hold me in your arms and tell me it will be alright.

step three: kiss me 'til the sun breaks the horizon

step four: never walk into my field of vision again

step five: obliterate yourself from my memories.

2011-01-07T03:28:00.001-05:00

I'm still fucking hurt, i just thought you all should know.

2010-12-25T23:01:00.001-05:00

my heart has turned to fucking stone.
it's suffocating me.

fuck

2010-12-24T19:03:00.002-05:00

it was just a game.
female metal shoe
and a male giant, a flesh-creature
he got bored quick
once he had fun playing
he set the shoe aside for something new,
something more stimulating.

but i, too, create my own misery.

2010-12-21T01:47:00.001-05:00

i've been burned too hard

2010-12-19T18:07:00.001-05:00

My complexities are my simplicity

must not sleep must warn others

2010-12-17T05:41:00.003-05:00

i could speak;
so many reasons, feelings
i could exhale a well thought out algorithm of intricate explanations

but for the world's sake
i'll be content to sigh
to avoid your (god damn) eyes
ignore and forget
to completely dissipate and simultaneously atomize you, too.

the only dream i can remember
from the spiraling, confusing wirlwind of overslept-vacation-dreams
is of laying on top of you
stroking the kosher hair at the nape of your neck.

i wonder, if it still lays untouched?

melatonin absence

2010-12-17T05:20:00.003-05:00

i feel so heavy all the time.
i cover my face with my hands and fall flat against the wall.

i'm heavy because i can taste my fate.
not just the inevitable end-all
but my sure, unfolding future
constrained to set paths and expectations,
unfoldings.

i will never open
never buckle down again, though i yearn to.

i make the wrong choices
and betray myself in the end
anyway.

unabashedly,
guiltless
i now set out as the predator.

go away

2010-12-16T02:17:00.002-05:00

our most tender, intimate thoughts:
the drive home
showering
the moments before we fall asleep
staring up at the night sky
long walks.

i'll never be able to wash your dirt from my skin
it doesn't just run on the surface, it's much deeper.
you have poisoned me,
infected what lies inside me.

a beautiful trainwreck
a mistake.

2010-12-12T11:27:00.001-05:00

condescending kiss-ass,
shared and shared and shared

you are the worst kind of person.

december

2010-12-10T22:16:00.005-05:00

i'll miss your smile.

it's the kind that completely transforms a person's face,
that goes from beautifully fierce
somber, unchanging and eyes slowly drooping
to sunflowers blooming in ecstasy,
muscles contracting and folding skin
scrunched up but utterly heart warming and wrenching.

that changes the mood
the vibes of the room
with a wave, a sonic boom.
an invisible, unstoppable circular explosion.
it affects everyone inside, even if they can't feel it.

a breath of fresh air;
the deep, wavering inhalation
of a drowning victim on the brink of death breaking the surface.

his smile breathes life.

vocal recordings

2010-12-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

i wanna grate you from my skin like dead skill cells;
you’re dead.
but my hollow eyes,
ne’er shedders of epithelium
are just searching for something to hold on to.

2010-12-04T19:52:00.001-05:00

nothing feels real anymore;
a distant memory

2010-12-02T12:08:00.001-05:00

Love is indifferent to life

spoken

2010-12-02T00:06:00.004-05:00

the-woman-behind-me's arms, waving madly
she's pissed, completely pissed
at my inertia, trajectory.
but it's really her windshield wipers frantically swaying back and forth,
not her wavering anger,
in the torrential downpour.

you live inside me.
i've kept you here for a while, now
left you to ferment
hoping that, parasitically,
you could blossom into something beautiful with me.

but my life force cannot sustain yours,
your sinew, still attached to my phalanges
wither
and you must detach.
appearing like a fresh-cut hide,
your limbs curl up
and slowly you crumple, angular, like a sheet of weak paper
into a tight ball at the core of my body.
you manifest,
transcending my flesh
and i throw you away
wishing to rid myself of any hope of you.

but as my paws crawl inside,
what's left of you is a sticky mess
that i can't detach from.
and even as i pull desperately
with my shoulders
with my forearms, elbows and wrists
i can't remove you even from my hands.
and stuck now, are you,
to the very core of me;
stuck to my hands
with my hands stuck to you.

but this is good.

2010-11-27T23:02:00.001-05:00

"get me out of here"

no one hears me

2010-11-27T21:29:00.003-05:00

i'd love to leave you all behind
but i care too much to hurt you

i'll disappear for a while
but i'll come back, someday.
maybe not for weeks or months
maybe after years

i feel fast asleep
but my eyes betray me, blinking rapidly
none of you could ever comprehend this feeling.
i hope you never have to.
deflate your head, because it's not all because of you.

it costs 50 cents to self destruct
i've got thousands in the bank
it's just a matter of a countdown.
the path in front of me is all down hill;
i'll do nothing to stop this journey.

none of this is worth it
not even writing this-

2010-11-21T20:58:00.001-05:00

the brown and white dog
with the long, sharp teeth
gets overly excited
when we descend into his
domain

flesh-packaged curiosity

2010-11-19T17:53:00.004-05:00

i stare across the urban farmlands.
a sparse field of colorful, metal agriculture.
these man-made plants bubble before my eyes
there is no farmer, only individual pests.
they each, parasitically, claim ownership of a
singular, vehicular piece of produce
and hungrily use it up
until this process ruins the earth.

horrible, yet beautiful.
it's beauty makes me think of you;
red panda face
or perhaps any feline breed.
his smile turns his face into a sun.

just another pandora's box i should not open.

to be honest

2010-11-17T20:53:00.002-05:00

i guess this change in temperature is pretty nice
it's making my hair stand on end.

i guess (these) change(s) ~~in temperature~~ (are) pretty nice.
it's making my (life) (more exiting)

riddle me this one, bitch

2010-11-11T11:06:00.002-05:00

i saw your face in stark hypnagogic clarity
its sharpness cut me

(your facial topography a patchwork quilt
glued instead of sewn,
opposing material, glue and fiber
combusted before my eyes
and i saw your face melt, smoke,
disfigure.
around your eyes, loose silk
and frayed holes where your eyes should be.
your empty head swayed in a non-existent wind.
your disgusting beauty unsettled me.)

in the short pseudo-dream/reality
everything was as it should be.
in the infinitesimal fraction of a second
before my eyelids spoke "raise the curtain"
you wanted desperately to kiss me

and i, you.

its funny how opposite spectrum our inner balance fluids are now.
but i wonder if
in the fleeting seconds before you drift
i wonder,
if you ache?
because i do, now, all the time.

i'm just waiting for everything to end.

you need to disappear

2010-11-09T21:53:00.003-05:00

surging, speeding into complete uncertainty
i can tell by the inertia
it pulls all my organs to the left.
but the speedometer is stuck on zero
i'm moving fast but going no where.
i plunge into bright value but dark tone;
a neutral downhill slalom.
i feel sick from all this movement.

the words weren't written
but it doesn't mean they aren't there.
they hang in signal towers,
between satellites swimming past constellations.
you can taste the words
shockingly sour-sweet
like touching your tongue to the contacts of a nine volt.
but when saliva creates a circuit,
far from lip to lip,
it shocks and disconnects the brain
it separates ascending tracts from descending reality.

2010-11-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

dear You,
I miss.

ps. i'm a wreck.

no more titles

2010-11-01T00:25:00.001-04:00

i miss my Nike's something awful
but they're lost, and always will be.
so i sit here waiting to forget about them

2010-10-31T15:13:00.002-04:00

i used to have an affinity for cut diamonds
until one cut me
so i ground my collection down to dust
but it overtook me,
consumed my surroundings, my habitat
it filled my mouth and nose and eyes and ears with dry powder
and i drowned in a sea of silver

2010-10-28T21:36:00.001-04:00

it's not even supposed to matter anymore.

but i guess it does

2010-10-23T02:54:00.000-04:00

still and statuesque.
silence resonating.
it's quiet in the classroom
the atmosphere appears padded
like solitary confinement.
in my head's a different story;
the sound of fists pounding flesh.
the crack of knuckles connecting with wood.

i am so sick of you.

upside down lady bug

2010-10-17T22:58:00.002-04:00

i should melt as i walk.
viscous body part extensions stepping as they drop in globs.
they emulate my legs
carrying me forward a few feet
until my entire body is liquid human;
a puddle on the ground face first.
i embrace the solid ground.
i seep into the earth and dissipate,
still existing
but no longer of homo sapien consciousness.
it's all i want.

2010-10-16T22:29:00.001-04:00

i hate being alive.

hynagogic text messages

2010-10-09T00:39:00.005-04:00

my brain says:
the crust separates from the mantle
it vibrates the miles that surround it.
ceramic tiles on an un-glued surface
they rattle like an empty-shelled corpse filled with bones.
my optic nerve travels a similar root/route,
plucked and sawed like a stringed instrument
the blood rushing to my head on the weekends doesn't help.
i can only scream so loud.
it doesn't completely help.

a vampire, blood-lust, throat parching hunger sears my esophagus
significantly blood-lust
but i've held my breath and silently vowed to stay untouched.
i can self satisfy in other ways

this month, it's halloween every weekend.
but if i ever see your devastating face around
i'll rip your clown mask right off at the seams.
you sewed in on for permanence.

detachment from safeties and attachments to strangers
i relax my fingers then apply a velcro grip
i'm so backwards.

the letters are all jumbled in my alphabet soup
my eggs scrambled when i wanted them poached
cerebral-stuffed microwave ovens pile up at my feet.

i have so much to say but i've lost my voice
i drink tea with honey to attempt to regain it
only time will tell

reality says:
i'm irrevocably, eternally falling completely apart.

new england dragway

2010-10-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

life abides by two extremes,
always;
a seagull and a helpless infant.
the bird is overjoyed
the baby's always crying.

two tops spin on the same plane,
but different axis
time causes them to drift
what a tragedy.

my insides are boiling pitch,
my brain melts from the rising steam
my eyes no longer focus

coming home means seeing the drag all lit up;
metal boxes tear apart the pavement with their rubber mouths
the noise travels,
but so does the highway.

OUCH

2010-09-07T00:05:00.001-04:00

mile 104 on
one-oh-one
the car on the overpass above my head-
a shooting star rushing across the night sky.
how metaphorical.

i'm so happy

2010-09-04T22:06:00.002-04:00

the marble-dog's eyes burned opalescent
orange and green in the night light.
neighbor-voices next door;
a chattering, illuminated house through the trees.
foreign spice-rack smoke burns my throat
and collects a film on the back of my tongue.
the night is calm and lukewarm.
vibrations from the highway travel long-distance
to the cilia in my ears and my body charges me
$1.99 for the nostalgia.
nicotine-high with my eyes staring up at the
never-ending universe-sky.
i'm so at peace and so torn, missing you.

wonderland alice has insecurities

2010-08-10T03:05:00.003-04:00

skin stretched tight,
salty elasticity a shield.
it burns red-hot like embers and coals,
sweat droplets fire-walking across the smoldering bed of ashes;
i exhale.
a sharp stick and the fire all converges;
i wish to evaporate.
he sits high above the rest in a judge's stand,
each paper signed and set aside as easily as the rest;
i flutter to the floor.
his sweat drips on the patrons below
from his furrowed and unkempt brow.
they throw their heads back to catch the precipitation on their tongues,
one taste and they're obsessed.
i keep my seat at the witness stand,
for now.
he loves so easily that i have no face or name,
the cheap generic brand that never tastes as good.
the judge sells his body and convicts it to a cell
but the name-less face-less broad stays at the stand
and she's convicted, too.
she could stand but her self torture is her lust.
knowing is far worse than any twisted daydreams;
it's reality.

painting a pretty picture

2010-05-02T20:59:00.002-04:00

a ruffled fisherman casts his line on an overcast day.
his crows feet speak his age
but facial hair hasn't aged a day.
endless eyes equally match, with defiance,
the endless black lake.
i'm a sunfish in this salty body beneath his wooden feet,
it's blue absorbing molecules reflect my mood.
the fisherman expertly lures me in
and suddenly,
without warning,
with my mouth watering around the bait
it pierces me and my passion erupts
and we are attached my a disconnection of string.
i do not fight, i'm too stunned by
rushes of serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin.
ironically, he is the one jerking my scaled body about,
rather than my own convulsions flailing his sinewy machinery.
his dominance over me is overwhelming
and the cultural history and normality of this curses me.
desperation and pride fill my cheeks with blood
and i blanket any bubbles from fleeing my mouth
with swallowed saliva and kind words.
because i choose to believe this
reality.

he extracts me as his prize, consumes me even
and i live about him until my rebirth as
vitamins, bacteria, urea and gaseous elements.

a bird breathes me in and i become the bird.
the fisherman becomes a hunter
and he shoots me down.

observing celestial bodies

2010-04-19T22:00:00.002-04:00

dimpling the starry sky
are scurrying monsters.
their paws
fit snuggly in the holes of the
chain-link fence-sky.
their claws
pierce the soft climbing-rock atmosphere,
expertly maneuvering the realistically endless
but encompassing universe-sky, like a dome.
they are crawling towards me,
painfully hungry for my purple-blue aura.
they lick their maws and gobs with gooey salivation,
last meal still hanging precariously from canines and molars.
it's the face of an old acquaintance!
our screaming faces meet
in a collision of wet and heat
and the monsters are consuming me
under the soft, apathetic twilight.
but the safety-civic net keeps me protected
with liquid-sand and shiny metal armor.
i smile at this frightening scene
and think of you.
because each star in the sky reminds me of you,
like millions of copies of your beauty
freckle the sky with breath taking light.

melting

2010-04-10T13:48:00.002-04:00

a fusion of egos,
wet flesh connecting.
i wither and bloom in circadian rhythms
while he erodes and reforms with mineralized fervor.
i breathe in his breath
and he breathes in mine.
in this moment we are comprised of
id only,
pure desire and passion, the outer world
disintegrates.
the hunger consuming us is
relentless and life-threatening.
i try hard to consume not only his body,
but his mind and energy as well
and if i could eat away his sadness with our
passionate connections
i would never let it end,
i would never let him exit me.

swimming above

2010-04-05T21:39:00.002-04:00

i am a key
and he is the tumblers.
we fit together perfectly,
mathematically,
a well thought out algorithm.
our unity unlocks a door to a room,
bright and pulsing.

this town smells like life
and before i must leave again
i breathe it all in out the window.
i watch the beauty in the street lights as the sun fades
and observe spacious farms and fields,
and houses that intrigue my eyes so much.
the pavement and dirt beneath my naked feet even feels so right
and the river rushing constantly is a perfect lullaby.
demons flood the streets
but their humor is so kind
that i can't mind.

his face in the artificial navigating light
proves even more beautiful
than when its bathed in florescent.
when i wordlessly murmur against
blood-ridden, thin skin,
the opposite of rigor mortis occurs
and all rigidity drains from me
and i become mush.
his entire essence impairs me
and all i can do is want,
but the feeling is so indescribably perfect
that i can't complain.

suffocating under nihilism is unimaginable now,
he gives meaning to everything.

waking up

2010-03-30T16:46:00.003-04:00

moments that make you
beg
with every molecule of your corpse to last forever.
my bare silk draped across his smooth leather,
phalangeal hunger grasping for more,
totally insatiable.
his five-pronged outstretch of energy
whisper-walks along my armor
and i feel my insides unravel
as i reach for this solid being laying before me.
rough epithelial outgrowth living on his face
reddens my chin, darker with each kiss.
and on the inside it still feels like
he's snuggly fitting there.

what i want to say vs. what i should say

2010-03-24T02:03:00.002-04:00

i will glaze your heart and fire it in a kiln.
i will kiss its wound to better it.
surgically remove the nociceptors.
give you all my love to fill your empty ventricles.

vs.

i hope you can better it.
i am an on-call EMT for your heart.
please be well while i lay dormant.
i'll watch for you politely.

for you

2010-03-24T01:57:00.006-04:00

you should look familiar from all the times i've seen you now,
but your eyes appear to me as "too-familiar",
like i've seen them a million times.
on top of that,
they are so entrancing,
my life and tissue unravel when my own and yours connect.
i can see in them everything you yearn for,
everything you wish to be,
everything you want in me.
yesterday i felt your energy coursing from your palm to mine,
eccrine-pore design.
i hunger for your arms,
to touch them,
to taste them,
to encircle me.
weeks could i spend exploring every aspect of them
and letting them explore me while we sweat in the summer heat.
your breath upon my lips is enough to intoxicate me
into lethargy and love-drunk comas.
yet your touch gets my nerves reeling,
vibrating,
sympathetic nervous system set to work.
but don't waver, my love, don't doubt,
it's my own inhibitions convulsing my confidence.
i have fear and pain on my side and i'm sorry for not being in bloom.
i wish to open all my petals to you,
to reveal the sweet nectar and pollen inside;
but anxiety keeps me closed to the winters lasting,
slow-fading chill.
you've replanted me and slowly i am sprouting,
my stem intimately wrapping around your
organic but imperfect
paralyzing crystalline beauty.
your lips could find mine in a room diffused of all light.
so close your eyes and follow my energy,
because a life devoid of drinking up your stare would be
life-less.

decrease in words

2010-03-13T23:33:00.002-05:00

you stab a fork in my heart
and eat it like a ravenous man would
after starving for a week, or eating his last meal.
you salt it for taste and spite,
to hurt me more.
the nerves are still attached
and i can still feel.

--

i attempt to savor the
umami set before me.
a mold-able two-by-four,
i errupt, claiming it mine for just one night
and fall, regrettably responsible for returning it,
upset that i must give it back to the real world.
but so free spirited is the wooden plank
he is a butterfly, transformed, spreading its wings.

..

2010-03-04T21:20:00.002-05:00

sinking deeper under the sea of exhaustion
drowning.
too tired to inflate my lungs
asphyxiating.
i can feel my brain cells pop
disappear.
diffusing under pressure
lights-out.
straining to keep a mind shutting down,
running.
unconsciously walking through a conscious world,
zombified.
i notice nothing, care for nothing,
desensitized.
my skin peeled back, banana, revealing my raw
insides.
i cannot function this way,
i function this way everyday.

here's the fucking truth

2010-02-25T15:46:00.003-05:00

my life is a slimy, salty sea
whose density is inconstant.
i either float above the deep blue
on a bed of sodium chloride
or surrender, sink into its depths
consumed by thoughts and doubts.

every week, a roller coaster
though less daunting then my companion's
we use our brains to over-think
instead of just: think.
my current grocery list:
self-conscious
self-hate
close-minded
social anxiety
depression
philosophy
fear.
i am finally plugged in.
almost as if a new part of my brain has turned on
something i had never thought before,
now dominant.

figures with narrow pelvic brims
strong muscles,
bigger hyoid bones
i've come to believe that i am their puppet.
eighty percent of my happiness, in their hands
if i am not constantly pursued by at least one
i am lost.
what is this terrible truth?
why does it surround me, control me?
all i wish is to beat it,
overcome it.

i fear the traveling hand,
the palm's extensions that hunger for adventure,
for discovery.
i fear wandering cornea and lenses
being judged and used and exposed
the very act that society deems in two extremes:
as something meaningless
as something unspeakable.
i fear you who has done it,
whose body reeks with invisible odeur
emanates with a dirt-filled aura
i cannot stand the thought of being second
(or third or fourth...)

brain, no longer reeling
when i rest at night, alone except for
my thoughts to keep me company
i return to one lonesome thought
swimming in cerebrospinal fluid
basking in the warmth of firing neurons..
we are all living just to die.
on our deathbed
we wont look back on a full life
and be happy for what we did.
we will look back
and severely miss everything that made us happy
for we're going to a place
where nothing's tangible, or possible
or touchable or thinkable
ever again.

nothing i can do

2010-02-23T01:49:00.003-05:00

i'm trying my very hardest to feel-
but it's not easy.
nihilism is eating at my core
i wish on my lucky star there is someone who can
pull me from under this
save me from consumption,
but the quick sand aint so quick.
i've got time to think this over
no need for panic.
13 hours i've been awake
3 milligrams of melatonin bathing in my stomach acid.
my eyes are no body builders,
no weight to induce drooping
maybe it's just my brain reeling.

it's funny
i've never felt so awake at such a period of unrest
it's unsettling to say the least
downright earth shattering, in fact.